Totally understand you. My story is similar, but not the same. I have never competed, nor I probably ever will. I'm not scared of falling, but I'm just scared to approach the jump. And I feel like carp too. I see many older and younger riders that started after me and now the jump 4 feet and where am I? Nowhere. It is weird. Like when you want something so much, but it just won't happen. And you can do nothing about it. I know how it feels. And sometimes I jump fine on small jumps, but the next day I'm afraid again. All you need to do is to use evry opportunity given to you and realize there are ups and downs for everyone. My day ended in tears today, because things are not the way I want them to be. I'm sure you're an excellent rider, but the injury you had is really serious. You cannot get over it, it will stay forever, but you can do many things about it. Talk to your trainer or someone about what caused your fall. Were you not ready for that height? Was it your or your horse mistake? What didn't you do that you probably had to do? Talking about the problem and fully understanding what happened can help you with your future riding. It is like if you ate a rotten sandwich. You wouldn't want to eat another, because it might be rotten too. But you have to realize that not all sandwiches are bad, and just because you stumble upon a bad one, it doesn't mean you have to stop eating all of them. All riders know that falling and injuries are part of riding, and will eventually happen to all of us. Some are small and some are serious, but most falls are the ones where only your pride is hurt. And people rarely get bad falls more than once. I know you need to get your confidence back, maybe start on a schoolmaster horse for a first few trainings. Don't push yourself, ever. Give yourself tasks to do, from going to a fast trot and steady cantering at the end of the month. Then add some poles to go over, and it will certainly come back to you. We learn from our falls and mistakes, and it cannot always be the way we want it and you have to accept it. Take lounge lessons if you feel better. And don't plan your trainings. Don't say to yourself something like you must jump 3 feet today. Go to the training, and do what you feel like doing. No pressure around. Just you and your horse. Feel the movement, feel the freedom horse gives you and don't think about the fall. That moment, the moment you're sitting in the saddle, is your present, not past. What happened in the past will always be there, but don't let your past decide your future. Take all the time you need. Not all falls will end like this, and the more you think about it, the more scary it gets. It gets worse. I have no confidence at all. I envy others, I'm jealous, and I fear a lot. And I never had serious fall, just bad trainers who pushed me to jump too early, when I was not ready. And I will probably carry it whole my life. I might not make it to the competitions. But still, I'm not giving up. It is worth it. Riding is my life, and when there's no riding it means no life. So death. And even tough I think about suicide sometimes, I want to live. Just think about happy and successful moments. Bad times and memories will come from time to time, but they are gone most of the time. Bad rider is not the one who falls, but one who doesn't get up after it. You are still an excellent rider. Maybe it is hiding somewhere deep in you now, but that rider will raise again. You now only think about this fall. And what about all your previous competitions, shows you had, amazing jumps you did? What about them, don't you remember them? You didn't used to be a good rider, you still are. But you can't get it out of you. I know you're scared, I am too. And I could go on and on about this. No one expects you to get out of the hospital and jump oxers tomorrow, nor you should expect it from yourself. Understanding the fall and patience is the key to this. Knowing what was wrong that time will help you to not do it the next time. I feel like something is wrong with me too. And it is all the time...Why a 50 year old woman can jump higher than me when she is a worse rider? That is one of my questions in my head. And list goes on. It is weird. It hurts and sometimes I cry a lot like tonight. But I just have to believe it will get better, and so do you. This fall was stronger than your bones, but it is not stronger than you. And after all, the physical wounds have healed. Now it is all in your head. I still have problems, and sometimes they come back to my head and I just cry. But when I enter an arena to train, it just happens. I approach the jump, and the next moment I'm galloping towards another. And fear goes away, but comes back tomorrow. I'm not getting over it, I'm learning to live with it. Once you learn to live with it, it goes away.